Goal

I have been meaning to write this for the past two days but for whatever reason, I haven’t been able to figure out the wording.  I think it mostly has to do with how I feel like it is some form of self-gratification or bragging by talking about my weight loss.  As I told a friend yesterday, I hate being in the spotlight and, moreover, I hate talking about me. (which seems almost contradictory coming from someone who writes about about their weight loss)

I wasn’t expecting huge results at Chub Club this week. I was up 3 last week and pretty unsure why. I had earned a ton of activity point (100) the week before and this week I had gone even further. (122) A lot of it had to do with going for long bike rides and just enjoying being out there.

Weighing in is a stressful time. For those of you on the program, you know this.  Even if you have been faithful to the guidelines and meticulous in your tracking, there is still that margin for error. Perhaps you are retaining water this week. Maybe you have gained muscle mass. The point is, you are never at ease   I am never at ease until after the numbers come in.

The past 11 months have been a roller coaster for me. Most of the time, it was great news. Down a pound, down 4 pounds, up .25, etc. Once in a while, it was up. My largest up was 5 pounds. In case you don’t know the math, approximately 1 lb = 3500 calories. I would have to have consumed 17,500 EXTRA calories to gain 5 pounds. At this point, I largely attribute that spike to water and body balancing. My activity level has always remained high. During a non-skiing week in the winter, I would average 60 points earned through the gym. (12 points/hour x 5 days a week)

Wednesday of this week I knew that if I didn’t at least lose a pound, there was a problem. And of course, me being ever pessimistic, I started thinking about what else I could do if the program didn’t work this week. Should I see a sports nutritionist? Should I accept the weight that I am at?

I raced into the parking lot of our meeting spot just at 5 p.m.  Usually the meetings have ended and the leader would be packing up. They did and she was. I politely asked if she had time for me and of course she replied with, “yup”.

I am superstitious. I have worn the same outfit to weigh in with since week 1. I also had the same routine before I went to “the club”. No lunch or liquid after 11. I would also hit up Salvation Army for a deal or two. It seemed to follow a pattern; if I found something to buy at Salvation Army, I was going to have a good weigh in week. The logic was sound. The weeks I walked away empty handed, I was up.

This week, and almost every week since summer began, I haven’t been able to hit S.A.  I am usually high-tailing it into town from my summer job that is 2 hours away. Come to think of it, maybe that is why I gained last week…

I got changed into my normal shorts and headed into the room. God love Janice, the nice lady who has weighed me in every week since this has started. (she is part of my superstition as well)  I hopped on the scale and she didn’t say anything. I watched her write in her book 165.2 (Down 3 pounds) She said, “Have gone to the bathroom yet?”

“Yes”, I replied

“Take your glasses off. And your shirt”

“Uh, No. Neither you nor Tammy need to see that”

“I promise…we won’t look. I will just take your weight”

“Fine”.

The next thing I knew, she was letting out an enthusiastic “Yippee”. She and Tammy raced up and each hugged me. 165. 67 lbs lost since the beginning of the program but, more importantly to me, 150 lbs since my heaviest. Almost 24″ off my waist, 5″ off my neck, down 4 shirt sizes.

What is really messed up about this whole thing is, I feel like I should keep going.

The plan now calls for me to be on “maintenance”. It’s a 6-week period where you ADD points to your consumption and make your body level out.

To be honest, this scares the shit out of me.

I couldn’t eat that many points Wednesday. I felt guilty. And I actually MADE myself do it yesterday. (I accidentally went over by 1) I felt sick. Awful. I wasn’t happy about it. I consulted the literature that they give you. It says right in it, “Trust the program”. Janice and Tammy both said it would happen. The extra points were necessary.

When I went on to myfitnesspal.com and changed my weight, it asked me if I wanted to maintain, gain, or lose. I put maintain.  It ADDED almost 800 calories to my daily requirement.

I get the math. Really, I do. But it doesn’t make it less scary.

I never want to be heavy again. I have passed that time in my life. It has made me very introspective and I can’t imagine going back there. Buying shirts in a small feels too good. Having enough energy to ride for 2 hours and then get on my mountain bike and do it again is something else. I can’t go back.

And this is probably a topic for another post but I eluded to it earlier; I feel like I should keep losing weight. I feel like if I don’t, I am not making progress.  Maybe I could hit 150? Would that be “that” bad? But, like I said, another post for another day.

Everyone I know has said to celebrate this moment. I told myself that when I hit goal, I would buy myself something I really wanted. Either; 1) New Skis or, 2) Parts to build my own gaming computer. (because I am just nerdy enough to want to do that)

I haven’t made up my mind yet. All I know is that I still haven’t really made it into celebration mode. I am sure eventually that will come. I am just thankful for my supportive fiancee and friends without whom, I never would have made it this far.

 

 

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